he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
