If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
