i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
