Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
