I wish I could punch you in the face.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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