Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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