is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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