I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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