i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
