I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
