Old men and throwing up are my life now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
