all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
