I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
