Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
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happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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