i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
