I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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