I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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