Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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