walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dignity is for republicans.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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