Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
