My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
