She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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