so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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