Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
