I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
