At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
