i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
