Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
