So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
