so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
