The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
