I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
