Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
