i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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