Can i not drive my cunt home
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
