Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
