Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
