dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The air was thick with penises
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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