omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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