I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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