I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
