Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
