Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
