Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
