wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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