Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
