the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We smell like vodka and hangover
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