i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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