May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
