i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
