the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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