Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
