I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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