I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
did you just send me my own nude
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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