I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
