i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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