Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
